Dear Amy: My beloved partner, “B”, has been a successful author and has received much satisfaction (and public acclaim) from it.
During a break, B took a job making ends meet and has been plodding the 9-to-5 ever since.
Every few months B gets an idea for a new book. B has an agent and the connections to get it published.
B will get SUPER excited about the idea and talk about it for days.
I start to think about how I can help, offer perspectives and give compliments: and then it fizzles and we are both sad.
B messes with a job to pay the bills, pursues hobbies and friendships – and takes care of our household in the most wonderful way.
I wish I could think of a way to direct all that enthusiasm toward action, instead of watching my partner fall out at the idea stage.
I know B would be extremely proud to complete a new project. I hate to see them feel so bad about the inability to make progress.
How can I help? And if that doesn’t work, how do I avoid getting sucked into the enthusiasm and disappointment of ‘B’?
– Happy to help
Dear Happy: Nothing expresses a writer like the pressure of success, especially when that success is followed by a silence (and they all are).
The pressure to create both critically and commercially and also be successful can be exhausting. This is why some successful writers give up everything and become garlic farmers.
I’ve shared your question with my friend, the writer Anne Lamott, author of many books, including an important book on writing that has brought home many stuck writers: “Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life” (25th Anniversary edition, 2019 , Anchor books).
Anne responds: “B is lucky that he has so many good ideas, but that doesn’t mean they would make good books. I would create a file of plot ideas and see if they got me excited a month later. If one plot doesn’t leave me alone and the characters are captivating enough to spend a year with, I might be onto something!
An agent won’t look at it until there’s a solid second version, so you – the ‘Happy’ partner – can practice releasing B to the work itself.
The “help” isn’t helpful — the hyper-enthusiasm and support make the project frappe-speed, rather than the daily elbow grease all writers need to write a few pages each day.
The rage and despair are instead of writing. Call your ‘help’ all the way back: express silent support for new ideas, but no more than that. Maybe B will continue, maybe not.”
Here’s the distilled advice Anne Lamott gives herself (I have it on a post-it on my desk): “I tell myself to write ‘bird for bird’; a really sh***y first draft; to keep my ass in the chair; then go ahead and remove the lies, adverbs and boring parts.
Dear Amy: I just heard a relative is writing a memoir. Yesterday she told me, “You’re in it a few times.”
Now that a day has passed, I wonder what she wrote about me.
Do I not have any rights here?
– Worried
Best Concerned: I have written two memoirs. In both cases, I shared extracts with relatives where they were mentioned, and invited them to weigh in. I did this because the relationships were more important to me than digging up family history.
There were also instances where I mentioned people but didn’t invite them to weigh in because I didn’t care about the impact of my writing on the relationship.
You have the right to ask your family member to see sections in which you are involved. If she refuses, or if you don’t like what you read later, you have the right to tell her so and keep your distance. If the material is defamatory, you have the right to see her in court.
Dear Amy: I support your answer to “Moving On”.
My husband reluctantly visited his absent father on his father’s deathbed.
He was given some information and history that helped him understand everything that had happened around the time he was conceived.
He’s still not a fan, but he’s gotten some inner peace.
– Moved to
Best Moved: Your husband’s experience underscores something I learned long ago: When it comes to complex and painful family histories, total resolution is rarely the card, but halfway there is a goal worth reaching.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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