Have you ever wondered what? the notebook would look like if it was rated NC-17 and had about a billion dollars deposited on it? Well, it still couldn’t come close to the throbbing, lecherous relationship between Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker depicted on The Kardashians week to week – although I’m sure Gena Rowlands would try it old school.
Kourtney and Travis – “Kravis,” as the media has fondly called them but unoriginal – have been pummeling each other over the past nine weeks of Hulu’s docuseries. Not an episode has gone by without several scenes where they make each other feel, get hardcore in front of the cameras and their kids, and talk about how sexually compatible they are.
At first, it was refreshing to see the eldest Kardashian sister so visibly happy in a relationship after spending nearly two decades in the public eye without stable love. Her life before Barker wasn’t easy, like anyone who’s seen even an episode of Keeping up with the Kardashians here or there could probably testify.
“Kissing and cuddling isn’t bad,” Kardashian tells the camera early in the season. “I’m actually grateful that my kids can see a loving and affectionate relationship, because they haven’t seen it all their lives.” And that’s totally true! It’s great that Kourtney’s young children can see and understand what a healthy relationship between two adults can look like – too bad the editors are working overtime to betray them.
Less than 15 minutes into the first episode of The KardashiansKourtney gets out of her own chair and sits on Travis’ lap, and moments later he rubs her ass through her shorts and sticks her thumb in his mouth in the middle of a family barbecue that includes everyone from the youngest offspring from the mixed Kardashian family to the great matriarch Kris Jenner. And the kids don’t seem to like it much either, as they have been repeatedly kindly asked the two to stop French kissing their eyes.
Oddly enough, scenes with Kourtney and Travis are hushed and intimate, which makes experiencing them through your television screen all the worse. So many other moments in The Kardashians are shrouded in shitty TikTok trend-adjacent, royalty-free songs that make it easy to half-watch the show while scrolling your phone, but then there will be a blast to total silence, flung the viewer back to the show on time to see Kourtney and Travis kiss while waiting for a lift, the sound design was so amplified you’d think they were trying to pass a microphone from one mouth to the other with their tongues.
More often than not, their saccharin aura will prove to be so strong that I feel like I’m peeking in on moments I should never have seen. Sometimes there won’t be anything sexual about it and I’ll still come away feeling like I just stumbled into someone else’s bedroom.
Barker will coo, “I love my baby, my baby is the biggest, my baby is the strongest,” as they press their foreheads together and stare into each other’s eyes for extended periods as the camera holds them. I get the feeling that the producers expect me to be moved by this as if it is related to the scene in Titanic where the old couple clings to each other in bed as the icy water fills their cabin. “I’m okay for a bad day or a rough day with you [rather] than a day without you,” Barker says at one point. Sometimes I would almost rather see them talking to each other for an hour than talking to each other as characters in a John Green novel would.
But the PDA between Kourtney and Travis doesn’t stop at just a public display of affection, it’s also a very crude public display of prosperity. Somehow, the two lovebirds have managed to turn their sensitive relationship into a secondary show of how much fun love can be when even a fraction of your combined net worth is more than most people can expect in their lives.
The Kardashians makes no attempt to tone down the family’s ever-present atmosphere of unattainable wealth, and in fact has only exacerbated it. One of the biggest and most visible examples of the wealth disparity between the 1 percent and everyone else is Kourtney and Travis’ attempt to conceive a child together. Getting pregnant was harder for Kourtney this time around, so she and Travis have explored a range of fertility methods, and no expense will be spared in their desperation to make a physical product of their unyielding love.
Now, I have no qualms about someone trying every possible avenue to have a child. I think it’s an admirable goal, one that takes a measurable toll on your body. It’s not for the faint of heart! But I also think there is a fine line between the benefits of being open about the difficulties of conceiving a child in your 40s and being completely cautious about going to an Ayurvedic spa that costs tens of thousands of dollars to increase your chances. of getting pregnant through holistic methods and talking about drinking your husband’s sperm.
Sorry, did I cover that up? Oh, yeah, Kourtney’s slurping.
Speaking to Martha Soffer, an Ayurvedic guru and the founder of Surya spa, Kourtney boldly says: “[The doctor] told me the thing that would help [my thyroid levels] drank his semen up to four times a week.” These two freaks on the loose really put everything on the line for anyone unlucky enough to cross their path, leaving immeasurable amounts of money in their wake.
To drive a few hundred miles to a fertility center for doctors to pick up an egg, Kourtney and Travis board the Blink-182 tour bus, chauffeured by a driver, so they can use the bed in the back that they have. certainly to note. With just the price of gasoline in California, their trips back and forth between doctors’ offices, spas, and fertility clinics in the show’s first nine episodes are enough to cover the cost of a month’s commute for a middle-class American family.
Before the egg is retrieved, the clinic must collect a sample of Travis’ sperm, which is a fun opportunity to introduce another medical professional to their twisted little world. The woman in the clinic tells them to collect nothing but Travis’ monster in the cup, with absolutely no body fluids from Kourtney.
The couple then spends the next few minutes researching this poor woman to see if they can use spit to help the process, and is it okay if some spit gets in the cup? “No spit,” she has to say repeatedly to two forties wearing matching skeleton onesies, just like that one weird couple we all knew in high school who loved The nightmare Before Christmas and wouldn’t shut up about it.
These two pagans are obsessed with bringing ignorant strangers into their lair of iniquity. In another episode, while checking out beautiful multimillion-dollar mansions to put their combined families in, Kravis retreats to the backyard of the palatial estate, where Barker claims, “I just think people have a hard time understanding how two people can be so in love and affectionate because they are damn miserable.” And he could have an argument for that if he didn’t say it as he feels Kourtney’s breasts and stretches to squeeze her bum and thighs as she straddles him on the outdoor furniture in the backyard of someone else’s house.
I’m extremely pro-horny – it’s original, it’s natural, it’s cool – but these are not normal displays of love and affection. Kourtney and Travis make their poor real estate agent part of these sick and deranged, voyeuristic games. And then not even further with the property! Their realtor had to stay behind and wipe down all the patio furniture and didn’t even make a commission on it!
But that’s just Kourt and Trav! These two are on a mission to make their lives their own version of their favorite movie, True love† They want to claw over each other and throw money around and live the hedonistic life that only lovers without moral boundaries can lead. It’s the world of Kravis and we all live in it. Perhaps the heat will ease as the couple officially tie the knot, but it seems doubtful.
Their energy is simply too strong. It’s a shock that they haven’t already fathered six children just by the sheer power of their absurdly hypersexual connection. But who knows, it might still happen. Kourtney Kardashian who has the first Immaculate Conception since the Virgin Mary feels fit for where we are as a society anyway.