QUESTION AMY: A family considers inviting racist cousins ​​to a wedding

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Dear Amy: I come from a small family (I have one brother), and growing up, my two cousins ​​(my aunt’s sons) were like brothers to me – we used to spend vacations, holidays and family gatherings together.

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Fast-forward 30 years and we’re not as close as we used to be – for several reasons.

I moved to the west coast and my family is in the midwest.

I see my parents and brother a lot, but I haven’t seen my cousins ​​since the start of the pandemic because we have different opinions about vaccinations and social distancing (I believe in both; they don’t).

Our daughter is engaged, in love and very happy in an interracial relationship.

My wife and I adore our future son-in-law and his family.

My dilemma is this: Both my cousins ​​have expressed racist views and used racist remarks in the past.

I don’t trust that they will support our daughter’s marriage. I don’t feel comfortable with them attending her wedding.

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Should I call them directly and fix the issues right away? Shouldn’t I quietly invite them? Frankly, I love my cousins, but I don’t like them or their worldview, and I don’t know what to do.

– Stressed out in the West

Best Stress: If you don’t feel comfortable around these men for health or cultural reasons, then follow your instincts.

But I’m in favor of considering an invite to these two bozos, or at least opening them up for discussion — because if your daughter and her fiancé are organizing a family wedding, well, families are made up of all kinds of people, and sometimes these people are jerks, losers and racists.

However, there are many variables to consider, including how awful your cousins ​​really are and how tolerant the bride, groom and family are willing or able to be.

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Lucky for you, this decision should be made by the bridal couple so you can kick this in their direction.

I suggest you be completely honest with them: “Bert and Ernie are… the worst. They are racist fools. But they are my cousins. There you have it.”

Your daughter and her fiancé may not be interested in or feel obligated to these relatives, and if so, the decision is an easy one.

If the cousins ​​don’t make the list and you’re asked why, you can tell them the truth: “Your racist views knocked you off the invite list.”

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Dear Amy: I have been best friends with “Penny” for over 60 years. Last year we had an argument over the phone about COVID vaccines.

In addition to the risk factor of her age, she has health problems, but is an adamant anti-vaxxer.

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I was concerned for her health and told her she was wrong not to get vaccinated.

We haven’t texted or spoken since then.

I feel sad for not contacting her but notice that she has not contacted me either.

I think she wrote me off. Her birthday is approaching.

Do I send a card?

– Ex-bestie

Dear ex: Your argument with “Penny” seemed to center on how receiving a vaccine would be in her best interest.

Even though you’ve expressed your stance as concerned about her, people don’t like being told that their own health decisions are “wrong.”

Aside from the idea that vaccines can have a communal impact; when it comes to her own health, Penny’s choice is her own.

You seem to be against the idea of ​​reconciliation – and on the fence about having contact at all – but I don’t really see any downside to seeking contact.

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If you are really done with this relationship, then you should let this milestone day pass without reaching out. But sure, even though you had a fight, aren’t you happy on some level to see that this fellow (who you believe has health problems) has reached another birthday?

Dear Amy: “Torn” described a long-ago sexual relationship with his sister-in-law, which started when he was 15.

I almost never agree with you because you clearly hate men, so I have to admit that I was shocked and surprised by your compassionate response to Torn.

Yes, he was sexually exploited by an older woman. This was wrong, he suffers, and you were right to admit it.

– One of the men you hate

Lover: I accept the unjust compliment, and thank you for it.

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