So for $153 million, I think you could at least get some decent islands or a small Picasso, or enough Bitcoins to stuff into a medium-sized stocking.
Or, if you happen to be Netflix, for that huge, huge sum of money you can pay for what amounts to a bunch of Harry and Meghan’s trove of often-blurry iPhone photos and home videos so far.
On Thursday night, the first three episodes of their much, much hyped documentary were released and if the streaming giant had hoped that the monstrous fee they’ve reportedly promised to pay the pair would equate to thrills and exciting viewing pleasure, then I very bad news.
All Netflix got for the huge, huge sum of money they paid the royal outcasts seems to be access to their iCloud account, as the series has been devoid of any real new insight or detail so far.
After going through all 171 minutes of the first installment of episodes, there’s one very obvious thing to say about Harry and Meganboth the show and the couple.
It’s boring. They are boring.
Somehow, despite being two of the most famous people in the world and directed by an Oscar-winning director, this documentary is a gaudy, empty nothing citizen whose biggest star is their luxurious Montecito home that’s heavy on the spa vibes.
The problem, I bet, is that the Duke and Duchess seem to have nothing important to tell us so far.
The show offers no new insight into the Megxit psychedrama or anything of any real substance about the pair, other than the fact that his proposal involved him getting down on bended knees in their garden and Harry is now really fond of feeding them. hummingbirds. (Someone, somewhere in the bowels of a newsroom, is shouting “Stop the presses!”)
Netflix has marketed this series as a “global event” worthy of being hit with some kind of truth in advertising complaints.
In the show’s first trailer, released last week, Meghan says, “When the stakes are this high, doesn’t it make more sense to hear our story from us?”
Turns out their story is that somehow two attractive, not particularly interesting people just happened to find each other thanks to the power of a dog Instagram filter and a mutual passion for wearing hats.
This isn’t must see TV this is TV you have to endure well worth sticking with if you really want to see countless viscous happy snaps of ‘Aitch’ and Meg as we learn the couple through their friends is called.
The level of new information spread over nearly three hours could easily be scribbled on the back of a beer mat, something I suspect Harry is no longer aware of, not now that he has those birds to feed.
See if you have too much time or masochistic tendencies or are incredibly deeply invested in the Sussexes’ journey, but different? Let me save you the time.
I can tell you the biggest reveal is that they actually met through social media after he saw a picture of her on a mutual friend’s account and photos and short video of their engagement. It’s sweet and as prosaic as you’d expect.
I would say the most interesting details are what we hear from Meghan’s friends, her former personal assistant, her makeup artist, her mother Doria Ragland (who should probably win some kind of award for her handling of the press and composure), her agent, her niece, her former TV co-stars, her childhood headmistress, and her Suits producer.
And what about our prince? The only person from his life they seem to have been able to dredge up to speak on his behalf is an old friend from Eton simply called Nicky, no surname given.
This first half of this series is like the TV equivalent of a takeout from a suburban Thai place in that it’s all so horribly predictable. Our heroes are the beloved Aitch and Emm, whose journey we’re on through so many selfies you have to wonder how often their phones were actually gone during those early days of their relationship. The villain, meanwhile, is exactly who you’d think he would be in the mold of the British press. They are bad. Very bad.
We’re treated to shot after shot of Diana, Princess of Wales, being physically hunted and pursued by the ravenous pops in the 90s, and plenty of shots of a confused, angry-looking young Harry forced to suffer through press calls and walkabouts before we move on to the media flood Meghan faced after they came out as a couple in late 2016.
While I’m sure someone at Netflix headquarters is currently polishing a press release touting Harry & Meghan as a global ratings triumph, the reality is that this series is so far almost completely lacking in any real new information, perspective or lots of interesting if you aren’t interested in looking at other people’s vacation photos or baby videos.
If anyone had any hope that, at least in this first round, we’d be faced with mud-slinging inside the palace or explosive revelations as damning as the one during their Oprah interview about institutional racism and brutality, prepare yourself for much disappointment.
If anyone in Buckingham Palace or Clarence House or Kensington Palace had been busy biting their nails or eating their way through a bag of boiled sweets, they would never have feared.
The closest the Sussex family has come to a real swipe at his family is when Harry talks about the harassment Meghan faced: “So it was almost a rite of passage, and some members of the family were like ‘get through that , so why should your girlfriend be treated differently? Why should you get special treatment? Why should she be protected?’”
Gosh, who would he be talking about?
Meghan gets her chance when she talks about first meeting her now sister and brother-in-law, saying: “I was a hugger. I’ve always been a hugger, didn’t realize that’s really shocking to a lot of Brits.
“I think I very quickly came to understand that the formality on the outside carried over to the inside.
“There’s a forward-looking way of being, and then you close the door and say ‘You can relax now’, but that formality continues to both sides. And that was surprising to me.”
So, Kate didn’t like being spontaneously hugged by relative strangers and photographers made Meghan’s life hell. Is this even worth a sliver of $153 million?
Because after three episodes, the world has not gained any new insight into Harry’s relationship with his family both before and after he met his wife, other than the fact that his mother was very funny and good at the whole mother thing. We haven’t heard from Harry about his father, you know, the king, or his grandmother, the late queen, or really anything about his experience growing up in the royal family, except that the British press in the 80s and 90s was absolutely . s***sa often.
When episode three ends, we’ll be on the cusp of their marriage and who knows, maybe director Liz Garbus decided to save all the really devastating stuff for the second “part” (really).
But the most shocking thing about it Harry and Megan is that despite the global fascination with the people who star in this show; despite the perfect lighting and Meghan’s perfect hair dryer and what must have been a great budget for archival footage this just isn’t good TV the whole thing straddles some odd middle ground between glossy reality fare and a well crafted history lesson on The Colonial and Britain’s slave trade history.
The real winner here? I’d say it’s those hummingbirds. I bet Hollywood is on the phone right now to get a second series from them.
Daniela Elser is a writer and royal commentator with over 15 years of experience working with a number of Australia’s leading media titles.
