Dealing with the death of a loved one is extremely difficult at the best of times — but trying to navigate your own complex feelings while also helping a child process theirs can be unimaginably challenging.
Unfortunately, childhood bereavement is incredibly common – a survey of 11- to 16-year-olds found that 78% had been bereft of a close relative or friend, and the Childhood Bereavement Network suggests that around 26,900 parents die in the UK each year, with abandonment of dependent children.
When a child loses a parent, sibling, or even grandparent, it can be very difficult for them — but being honest about their death is important, rather than trying to ignore it, says Jane Elfer, a child and adolescent psychotherapist.
And that includes taking care of yourself. “It is important that the person supporting the child or young person feels supported themselves,” she says.
“It can be very difficult to deal with a child’s tears or anger when you feel vulnerable yourself. Give yourself time, allow yourself to cry if you need to, and make sure you too have someone to talk to: a friend, a partner, a sibling, or parents.”
Here, Elfer — who is a spokesperson for the Association of Child Psychotherapists (ACP) — shares her tips for supporting little ones and teens after a loss.
1. Be honest with the child about death
When a loved one dies, tell them about the death in age-appropriate language. If you have a faith, you may want to speak with this in mind.
Being honest is the best course of action. The child will know that something bad has happened – they will notice it as children do, especially young children.
You may feel like you are saving them from the pain of loss, but in general this only serves to confuse and frighten a child even more. They will notice that a parent, sibling, or grandparent is missing. They will feel alone with their worries.
Don’t be tempted to say the person is in hospital or going elsewhere for treatment. When the secret is revealed it will be much worse as they will feel cheated and may feel they have not had a chance to say goodbye or do something special for that person.
There will be more complex feelings if the parent, sibling or other relative has died by suicide – and in this case it may be helpful to talk to a charity such as Winston’s Wish about how to support a child.
Again, the truth will help, because it will leave the child with the terrifying question of “was it my fault?” can express. This can be a question on everyone’s mind and it can be a painful but helpful conversation that it wasn’t about the child, but rather something more difficult in that person’s mind that they couldn’t handle.
“Don’t be tempted to say the person is in hospital or going elsewhere for treatment. If the secret is revealed, it will be much worse.
2. Let them attend the funeral
Overall, I think this is an important ceremony if possible. If you or a family member can talk about what’s going to happen (you don’t have to go into details about cremation or burial unless they really want to know), maybe think about a way to say goodbye to that person with them.
You could say that ‘Mom or Dad will always be in their hearts and minds’ and they can come for part of the funeral and leave a drawing, a flower or something similar as part of the ceremony.
It will be part of their grieving process and yours, and the child may regret it if they are not supported, even in a small part.
If this is really not possible, you may want to have your own ritual or ceremony that marks that person and their importance.
3. Give them space to talk about it
Giving children space to talk about how they feel is so important, especially when it comes to the loss of a parent or sibling.
There can be feelings of guilt and anger that when associated with someone you love can be very difficult to talk about. Normalizing these uncomfortable feelings can give a child the freedom to express love as well.
The loss of a grandparent can be the child’s first death experience and can provide an opportunity to talk about feelings of grief and love.
4. Use play to help them express their feelings
With a very small child, play can be the way they can express or try out feelings. If you can provide small figures or maybe small animals or dinosaurs that can help.
Sometimes a child acts out an angry scene where perhaps one of the figures or animals is injured or killed. Let the child play this out. Don’t try to steer it and make it better, but comment on what you see and maybe try to think first about how the figure or animal might feel.
If the child seems interested, make a friendly suggestion: You may feel that way when you think of or miss Mom, Dad, your sibling, or grandparent.
Picture books about loss can also be a really helpful way to talk about what happened.
5. Give babies lots of hugs
Babies will also react to grief and loss and may cry more and be difficult to control.
If it is the mother who has passed away, it may mean that they have to switch from breastfeeding to bottle feeding. This will be difficult and again it may take time and support to get through.
Talk to the baby about the loss and don’t be afraid to be full of feelings. The baby will sense that you are communicating and this is key.
Lots of cuddling and rocking may be necessary, so seek support from friends and family as this will be exhausting, especially if you are also grieving.
6. Make a plan with others to support the child
If you are the child’s parent, you may want to talk to teachers and day care centers about changed behaviors and work out a plan to support them.
If it is possible to enlist help in the classroom, it can make a huge difference. Perhaps the child can leave the classroom with that person and have a conversation about the behavior in relation to their upset, anger, or despair.
This may not work with little ones, but maybe talking to them about why they are sad or angry and giving them water games, sand or clay could be a way to express feelings they don’t understand.
7. Don’t be afraid to cry with them
Crying together and sharing memories can be helpful, bearing in mind that a child’s natural resilience can end this more quickly than an adult’s. This should not be seen as callous or indifferent, but as a real safety mechanism that helps the child adjust and get on with life.
Do take into account the child’s need to perhaps decide for itself how much it can take. If it runs away or, in the case of an adolescent, suddenly wants to go to its room, try not to be offended. It’s very natural and it’s a young person’s way of regulating these huge and painful feelings.
8. Remember you can still laugh
This may feel difficult and wrong at first, but it is so important. Mom, dad, grandparent or sibling would want you to smile at this memory.
Going out to parties or other fun activities can be encouraged when the time is right, but be prepared for worries that follow.
It may be some time before you can all enjoy parts of your life again. It doesn’t mean you or they forgot.
9. Don’t expect their sadness to go away
Grief processing changes over time. Your child can look back on the loss during childhood, adolescence and young adulthood.
At key moments in their lives, sadness can be present when they go to school. Then, as they drop out of school altogether and face the next step, you may find they need to reflect on their feelings about losing a parent.
It is the loss of a familiar place or routine that can trigger these feelings. It is not uncommon, and adults may also feel the loss more strongly at the time of their marriage or the birth of their first child.
