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What a great time to be alive. Well, if you don’t work for CNN+ — sick burn.
But you should consider yourself happy and grateful. And not just because you’re looking at a former Calvin Klein underwear model who is also the king of the night. Although you should be.
Gratitude is important. I even thanked my assistant today by not making her cry when the soup she brought me had only three sliced shallots instead of four. I still threw it in her face.
GREG GUTFELD: LEFT HAVE DISCONNECTED CRIME PENALTY
So are you showing enough gratitude for all the great things in your life? Are you thankful for your family, your friends, your proctologist with really slender fingers? That matters. What about me? Are you grateful to me? Then why didn’t you show it? Why don’t you get a tattoo of my name on your face? What stops you? Your upcoming job interview? Your loved ones? Dignity?
That doesn’t stop Luis Angel Hernandez. Convicted of murder, this LA gang member vows to have the name of ultra-awakened prosecutor George Gascon tattooed on his face as he shaves years off his sentence. Now he may be lying. After all, he is a murderer.
But it’s great, now we can recognize a failed liberal policy by the tattoo on the faces of our attackers. Hernandez had pleaded guilty to murder and personal use of a firearm for killing a pot deliverer in 2018.
It begs the question “what other uses are there besides personal use if you’re the shooter?” Last I checked, Smith and Wesson didn’t have a friends and family plan, but he also killed a delivery boy. Why don’t you just kill Santa Claus? Am I right, Kate?
TRUE. Gascon is making historic changes for all of us, not just killers. We pass laws and then he ignores them just like the criminals. And with people like Hernandez back on the streets, we become history too. And if he kills us, all he needs to do is get a tattoo.
Your last words could be: why ruin your face?
But, of course, there’s nothing more stern against crime than getting a resounding endorsement from a convicted murderer. Finally someone thanks the Democrats. But maybe it’s more common than we think that offenders get tattoos to celebrate their free skating.
Initially, this gangbanger faced a life sentence with no chance of parole, with several improvements. And I’m not talking about collagen injections or breast implants. For example, if you’re in a gang you’ll have to add 10 years to your sentence, but of course that means more jail time and in the modern wake handbook that’s the worst.
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Controlling criminals is experienced as oppressive, especially for them. It violates their rights to go out for rape or murder. And do you really have the right to deny them that right? They’ve been repressed enough, but in a world of pregnant men, the perpetrators are the victims. After all, we are just subjects in the great cultural experiment of the left. What happens to us when we allow violent villains into the general population and eliminate barriers to crime?
You don’t have to be Matlock or Angela Lansbury or some other TV detective whose poster I have next to my bed, which is shaped like a race car, for your information. After those improvements were dropped in 2020 thanks to Gascon, crime and murder naturally skyrocketed faster than Nikki Sixx three minutes before Showtime.
So hence the token of appreciation by getting a new tattoo. Now, every time someone asks about the tattoo, we ask them to tell them “it’s because I’m a murderer.” Good luck finding a job, but you have to give it to Gascon. He has a serious street scene. I mean, gangbangers love this lawyer, their victims not so much. But I don’t know if there is something I love so much to have the name tattooed on my face. Let me think. hmm. Yes. I wonder what Kat would have.
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While the details of Hernandez’s new sentence are not clear, according to Fox News, he will be eligible for early release from juvenile delinquents, or “YOP,” which limits his sentence to twenty-five years. And if you think he’ll serve that, you’re crazy as a king-size payee. He will finish his sentence around the time I finish it.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the April 19, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”